Allison

Allison has both weight and self-esteem issues.  She takes most of her self-image from what others think of her, especially boys.  Here, she begins a new diet, one of her many attempts at changing herself to meet others’ expectations.  Allison first appeared in OGW 4/8/10, and again on 10/28/10.

Allison:  I’m sitting all the way back at a table by the courtyard window, nowhere near through-traffic, and yet a bag of Fritos hits me in the head.

     “Sorry,” says Soulsucking Loser Number Two Hundred and Twelve – they’re all the same, the boys in my class.

     “No problem,” I say, putting the bag on the lunchtable and sliding it towards him. 

     Before the Loser gets to it, my fist smashes down, pulverizing the Fritos.  “Sorry,” I say.

     “Freak,” he says.

     Yeah, whatever.  Go home and cry to your momma.

     Now where was I?

Oh yeah, Diet, Day One:  I’m starting on a diet of Goldfish – the cheddar cheese flavored kind, not the swimmy kind.  First, I bite off the tail, carefully so the rest of the fish stays together.  If the fish breaks, I punish myself by throwing that one away. 

     After the tail is chewed five times and has basically just dissolved – I wouldn’t consider it swallowing, more like I absorb the taste of cracker… after that, I put the fish body in my mouth, and use my tongue to position the body upright between my top and bottom teeth, and then I split the body into two pieces with a gentle bite.  I chew on these five chomps too, and then I swallow three times.  Running my tongue over my teeth, I make sure they’re entirely clean of goldfish, and then I reach into my ziplocked baggie and get another one.

     And that’s how I do it.  That’s how I get through lunch.  Day One:  Twenty-two goldfish.

Allison

Allison has both weight and self-esteem issues.  She takes most of her self-image from what others think of her, especially boys.  Here, she tries to make herself into a doll.  Allison first appeared in OGW 4/8/10.

Allison:  I was going through this box of my things from like around fifth grade, and I found this doll with blond hair like mine only better of course because it’s smooth and straight and goes down to the doll’s butt.  I’ve been growing my hair out for a year, and my hair only just goes past my shoulders, plus it’s ragged and all different lengths from when I stupidly had it cut short and “sassy” – that was the word I used, and…

Where was I?

     Oh yeah, the doll.  So, I uncover this doll and I realize that I have a black shirt with a pink skull on it just like the doll is wearing, and I have pink sneakers and the perfect pink and black plaid skort that’s in my “thin clothes” drawer, but maybe I can fit in it.

Maybe I can be just like this doll.  I want to be like a doll.  I want her smile.

The shorts part of the skort squeezes my thighs, but with black leggings underneath, it’s not so bad. 

The doll is flat in front.  My skull shirt is baggy and hides my humungous alien breasts pretty well, and my tummy too, kinda.  I can be a doll.

With a Sharpie marker, I put pink streaks in my hair like the doll has.  I know, I know, Sharpies are permanent ink… I know my Mom is going to tell me this, if she notices at all.

I am going to tell everyone at school that they made a doll after me.  I am going to tell Trevor and he’s going to say “Of course they’d do that, because you’re a doll, Allison!”

And then I’ll smile, secure like my doll.  

Allison

Allison has a weight problem, which she believes is why her boyfriend cheated on her with her best friend.  While she exercises and listens to random music, she discovers that she is worth more than she thought.  She is "good enough."

Allison:  My mother bought doughnuts.

They're downstairs.

I hear them calling my name.  Just kidding.  That was a stupid joke, not even funny.  Not even a joke.  Just stupid.  God, I'm stupid and fat. 

     My eyelids are drooping.  Gotta stay awake.  Five am, holy crap attack, WTF am I doing?  Exercising.  Me. 

     Weird.

     Wack job.

     (Wack job who just wants someone to love her.)

     Doughnuts:  "Allison, come eat us..."

     Turning up the music -- Bono singing "Children of the Revolution",

"You won't stop children of the revolution..."

"Aaaa-llison, eat me..."

Okay, that was kinda funny.  But seriously, gotta focus.  Mandy, older sister, bitch, banging on the wall.  Turn down the music.  Decide to put on iPod.  Down on the floor with my mother's old "Ab Slide" which I found in the basement, in an area of sorry stuff I call "As Seen on TV Fitness Junk".  OMG, I am hysterical.

Slide once out and in with the Ab Slide and my knees crunch.  Get a pillow and kneel on that.  Slide, Slide.  This hurts my shoulders.  The song is "Before He Cheats," Carrie Underwood.  How appropriate.  Stupid shit stupid Jared stupid fuckhead stupid pot smoking dipshit creep.

Wow, that woke me up.  Start Ab Sliding faster.

Earbud wire gets rolled over, then tangled, and buds fall out of my ears.  Put them back in.  Song:  Concrete Blonde, "Mendocino."  Oldie but goodie-- "If I could be with you again/I would fall all over you like a rain."

Stop Sliding.

Stretch.  Think about DOUGHNUTS.  Don't think about doughnuts.  Dance in front of the mirror (song:  Flobots, "Handlebars"... "I can tie a knot in a cherry stem")  I can.  Tie a knot in a cherry stem, I mean.  With my tongue.  And yet dumbshit Jared messed around with Eleanor, and what kind of name is that anyway?  Better than "Allison", I guess.

Everything's better than Allison, I guess.  Everyone is better than Allison, I guess. 

Fat.  Smart enough to "ruin the curve" -- that's what they say, "Allison, you ruined the curve." No style.  Half the music on my iPod is my sister's or my mother's, how pathetic.  Loser!

Downstairs, past the doughnuts (DOUGHNUTS).  Listening to Christina Aquilera, "Beautiful", change it to "Fighter" -- "After all you put me through/ You'd think I'd despise you/ But in the end I want to thank you/Cause you made me that much stronger"-- yeah, right. That's why I Ab Slided (Slid?) for a whole minute.  Sign me up for the Olympics.

OMG, I've got to get moving.  Five-thirty.  Half hour to doughnuts if I run. 

Past the Beecher's old house.  Their daughter, Eleanor.  As in Jared was feeling her up in the hall during cheerleading practice which he thought I was at but I got kicked off the team and left early because I can't do a split and I don't look good in a short skirt either...

That Eleanor.

Huff Puff.  "All Apologies," Nirvana.

Oh yeah, did I forget to mention Eleanor used to be my neighbor and best friend and I've known her since I was two years old?  That Jared met her when she was with me?

Eleanor had to move away from our block.  Song:  "Sleeps with Butterflies," Tori Amos.  Anyway, Eleanor moved last year. Foreclosure on her house.  Now she lives in a dirty little apartment with her loser father who never comes home and actually does heroin, I mean truthfully, does heroin, which is like, heroin?  A Dad who does heroin.  Freaks me out to think about it.

Slowing down.  "Solitude stands by the window," (Suzanne Vega).  Eleanor is so alone.  She needs Jared.  But I need Jared.  We all need someone.  That's gotta be a song, but not one on my iPod or not one I can think of right now because there's hardly any oxygen getting to my brain anymore.  Pant gulp pant.

This is not even running!  I am walking.  My lungs burn.  My shoulder hurts.  It's dark and it's cold.  I am tired.  I press forward on the iPod.  Now, Evanescence, "Immortal," singing, "I held your hand through all of these years," which is really me and Eleanor, not me and Jared.  Screw Jared.  I pick up the pace.

Miley Cyrus, "Hoedown Showdown"... "Put your hawk in the sky move side to side--" whatever the hell that means, but I'm singing out loud anyway.  Really moving now (!!!)--

Dance-walking.

Jogging!

Running -- "We will be Victorious" (Muse, "Uprising)

"Smells Like Teen spirit"

"Girls Just Wanna Have Fun"

Eddie Vedder

Natasha Bedingfield

More Muse and Nirvana Christina Aquilera Cyndi Lauper Jimmy Eats World Vivaldi Blue October Avril Levigne more Christina Flobots L'il Kim Fleetwood Mac (?) Patti Smith Go Go Go Go Go Run Run Run I am Allison I am

Good enough.