Thursday, March 18, 2010
Jenna: Jenna is from Spun, a novel I wrote about a girl with a crystal meth addiction. Here, she’s been clean for several weeks, but her boyfriend Josh convinces her to get high again.
Confidence, yes. I mean, Yes! Who did I think I was before, trying to be someone
This is me. The real me.
All that tormenting of myself, wondering if I was worth anything, wondering if it was okay for Josh, or my mother, or drugs to complete me, and now here I am, and when Josh offers me the cd case again, I snort another line of meth without even thinking about it because all that crap about feeling my feelings was just crap, and now I feel it, I feel it all, it’s all good, and I’m all in my head: Josh, Mom, Paige! I love you guys! Ruby! And that great writer I love too, that Yann Martel who is totally awesome!
Burning in my nose and brain, and I’m a little anxious and my thinking is going all over the place but so what!
“Did you ever read Life of Pi?” I ask Josh, whose hands are on me, and it makes me uncomfortable (but I love him! I do and it. is. all. good. smiles.) The author, Yann Martel said--
Don’t know why I’m talking to Josh about a book right now it’s crazy and has nothing to do with me really, and yet it does, because now everything means something. I want to cry.
“I love that you’re the smart one,” Josh says, kissing my neck.
Hey! I’m trying to talk here!
Josh isn’t listening, but I say anyway, because I am so profound right now, and I am the smart one, why didn’t I see that before? “Life and death, birth and love,”
“Mm hmm,” Josh says.
Straighten up, Jenna. I try to remember the whole quote from that author guy I love whose name I can’t even think of right now because I feel buzzy in my head, and it’s like every book I ever read is spinning around in there. Suddenly, out of the whirl, I pull out, “Life and death, birth and love….They’re not problems, they’re life itself.”
That’s it. That’s me and my experience. High on meth again, and it’s all in focus for an instant, and I’m not so sure anymore.
Josh doesn’t answer, but I don’t care, I’m just wishing I could get that initial buzz-burn back, that feeling of everything inside of me, but I can’t.Whoa. I am suddenly empty, I feel nothing. When Josh tries to lift my shirt over my head, I say “No,” for the first time.