Thursday, October 27, 2011
Casey (Somebody's Daughter excerpt)
As I walk into the kitchen, I snatch the recorder from my mother’s hand. I don’t press “record” of course, because I’m not getting involved -- but I pretend to speak into it, with a fake reporter-y voice: “And now, a News Channel Mom exclusive: Daughter’s Best Friend Raped, Mother Tries to Get Rich Off the Story.”
My mother gives me a look that includes half a smile, and it’s like what the eff? She never takes me seriously! Obviously, she thinks I’m not really mad at her or something. She thinks I’m kidding. Well, I may joke in my own dark way, but fact is, she never even asked if it was okay with me if she wrote this book. So what am I supposed to feel?
Still with the half-smile, and now adding a rolling of her eyes in an “Oh Casey,” kind of way, my mother takes back her recorder. She gives me the full smile.
Oh. My. God.
Her smile is totally a slap in my face. My legs suddenly feel weak, drained of the strength that originally brought me downstairs to try and talk my mother out of doing this stupid book. Because, A: It’s a stupid idea. B: She shouldn’t be opening up wounds and poking around inside my friends. And C: She doesn’t have a clue what she’s getting into.
I can’t talk to her when she’s like this, when she’s in writer-mode, when she’s all full speed ahead and screw the consequences. When she’s smiling.
Did I mention, I want to scream?
Only I won’t. A: My mother would like it too much. She gets off on seeing my emotions. She thinks it means we’re really close because I let her see me cry. And B: It’s too late to scream now anyway.
All I know is, I didn’t scream when it counted, and I’m all cried out. I ache all over. I can’t, I don’t...
I don’t understand what I feel, what I want to feel, what I should feel. In the past, I would’ve asked my mother, or she’d have told me anyway. But that was before. Like, before she adopted my friends for her book.
She hasn’t actually asked me to participate. And I won’t say it out loud but inside, I’m all like, what, has she forgotten I’m her daughter and plus, I was there at the party too?