Thursday, February 25, 2010
Maree, still frustrated by her adoptive family (see OGW 1/8, 11/19, 1/7), seeks her birth mother out on Facebook. The Facebook search really happened, to me!
Maree: In my room, I ::weep:: on Facebook to all my friends about my horrible adoptive father, my horrible life, my adoptive mother who doesn’t care about anything except that I call her Mom, my sisters who think I’m weird and probably a little more than stupid –- “Who on earth besides Maree doesn’t believe in God?”
“God, Maree, you’re so dumb,” says Marigold before she storms out of the room, crying “Daddy!”
Who on earth besides Marigold is named Marigold?
I get up from my desk and go lock the door. If my so-called father comes pounding, I guess I’ll have to open it. But at least he won’t take me by surprise. It was worth it to make my snotty little sister cry.
Putting my head down in my hands, I reach under my glasses with my fingertips and rub my eyes. Who on earth does God hate as much as me? If there were a God, I mean. I wipe away a stray tear. I’m not a mean person. I want a family, complete with a weepy little sister-bug.
I just don’t want this one.
Taking a deep breath, I shake my hair and my head out, and it’s as if I can see my thoughts, all criss-crossed and laid out like Pick-up Sticks. OMG, there’ one I never thought of before, OmyGod OhmyGoddess Oh My Whomever, it’s fucking genius! I think and grab for the idea, hold it in a fist over my heart, then quit playing and get serious.
Facebook. It was the place I courted, landed and lost Chris Hazelton. It might be the place where I find my real family! My real mother! Facebook! My heart is a blur of quick beats, and my hands are shaking as I type into the search box, “Wilhemina German”. I pause. I press return.
My real mother’s not there, or rather she might be, but there are eighty-six of her. Eighty-six possible Mommy’s. Breathing in and slowly letting the air out, I glance at my bedroom door, still safely locked. I get up to make sure. Then, I get to work.
“RU My Mother?” I type as the subject line in a message to the first woman who appears she might be old enough. I look at her profile pic and think she kind of looks like me. I tilt my head, look harder. Untilt, press send, and go on to the next Wihemina German, not knowing whether she’s married now with a different last name. Not knowing much of anything. Wondering why I don’t just know when I see her face, why can’t I just know? Huh? God, if you’re there, if you’re real?
Sudden pounding on the bedroom door doesn’t even make me pause, because it’s too small to be my father, and I know it’s only Marigold. “Maree you let me in! What’re you doing, playing with yourself? I’m telling Daddy! Daddy!”
The mouth on that girl. And she’s only nine, but she does believe in God, or at least in Daddy and his belt. I keep typing, RU My Mother, RU My Mother, RU My Mother, RU My Mother…
Suddenly a warning appears on my screen: “You are engaging in an activity that others may find annoying. If you do not discontinue this activity, you may be cut off from performing this activity on Facebook for a period of hours or days”
I slam my mouse finger down on okay, and then return to scrolling through names, Wilhemina German, Wilhemina German, Wilhemina German, Wilhemina German, Wilhemina German—
“You are engaging in an activity that others may find annoying. If you do not discontinue this activity, you may be cut off from performing this activity on Facebook for a period of hours or days”
Oh fuck off, I think, because suddenly, there she is! I know it! I click on raven-haired, sloe-eyed Wilhemina German King, and type in RU My Mother in a blur. My heart is going to shimmy out of my throat in a moment! I click send!
The Facebook gods send me a box with this message now: “You have engaged in the same activity too often in too short a time, and Facebook will not allow you to continue. Your message has not been sent.”
And then the real pounding starts, my fucking adoptive so-called father at the door. Maybe the Facebook team called him. Shutting down my page, I think, Wilhemina German, where RU?
I open the bedroom door and the real world presses in, his belt already off and swinging in a loop in his hand.You see Marigold? I told you there wasn’t a God.