Thursday, February 11, 2010
Rain, missing her Mom and in a way, her Dad too, takes care of herself – she thinks. Here she’s getting dressed and drunk just before the big party. For previous parts of this story from Nancy, Casey, Kayla and Rain, check out OGW 10/1/09, 11/5, 11/12, 12/10, 12/31, 1/14/10. This thread of OGW has evolved into the skeleton of a new novel, called either “The Party” or “Raped”, I think.
Rain: I emptied my Dad’s ashtray, and put it on the kitchen counter. Took one of his cigarettes out and lit it. Coughed, some. Felt a little woozy – then a lot, like I was going to throw up and-or pass out. I sat down quickly on the floor, putting my head between my knees until the feeling passed. Stood up and inhaled from the cigarette again. It had an awful taste, like soot, but the second hit was smoother than the first, and I figured I could get used to this.
Next – retrieved the vodka from the coffee table, poured a shot into a glass, added OJ like my Dad had taught me, and gulped.
Whew. Fuck. ‘Nother head rush. Sat down on the floor again, cooling my bikini’ed butt on the tile. In a minute I was already on my feet again, because I always get up again, and I always will no matter what, fuckin remember that world.
As I started my second drink, I was feeling way better. Less tense. Smooooth. I swiveled my hips and ran my hand over my belly, savoring the warmth, appreciating my body, which wasn’t exactly slim, but it wasn’t fat anymore and it was strong. Like me.
I didn’t even want to put something on over my bikini, wanted to go to the party just like this, slinky and warm and smelling of smoke. But Casey’s mother would freak, I was sure of that, and then she wouldn’t take us to Brian’s house. What a bitch. Mothers.
I looked down at the red spot around my bellybutton piercing. The vodka sure cut down on the throbbing. I wished it didn’t look so new.
Upstairs in my room, I fumbled through my makeup and found a cover-up stick, which I smeared around the new piercing. It worked pretty well at covering the red. I looked at myself in the mirror. Swiveled my hips again – Look, Mom, I’m dancing. Thinking about my mother killed my buzz, made me suddenly sad.
Fuck that, I said. Yanked a spaghetti strapped, low-cut, tie-dyed long dress from Target off its hanger and pulled it on. Tripped going into my parents’ bedroom looking for a scissor. Fuck! I pulled in my knees and held on for a moment, trying to stop crying. Gotta grow up Rain! Not a little Mommy’s girl anymore. Gasping for air, I pulled it together, found the scissor and cut down the dress to fit my height – sort of tall, but not enough to match my cup size, so the big dress. The vodka I’d drunk plus the blur from my tears made me cut a jagged edge, but it was okay.
No one was going to be looking at my hem anyway.
The phone rang. “Mom?” I said, a sudden rush of hope flooding my synapses -- hoping she was waiting at the train station now for a ride.
Stupid Rain. I hung up on whoever it was because it wasn’t her. Felt my heartbeat slamming in my chest and tears starting again because it seemed like I wasn’t just on my own tonight. No one lived here anymore. Not even my Dad, not really.
Not even Rain, myself, not always.
Tonight I would be someone else. I hurried downstairs, leaving all the lights on as I went because in spite of the hard, all-together, strong person everyone knew me as, I was scared of everything, even the dark. In the kitchen, I tossed the pack of cigarettes and my Dad’s lighter into my tote on top of my towel, did a shot of vodka straight from the bottle, and left the lights on in the kitchen and living room as I passed through to the front stoop to wait for my ride. I felt better already. But I stayed in the halo of light by the front door just to be safe.